Between a rock and a hard place is where I find myself.  Mom went onto hospital again, was found to have a number of issues that her Internist should have spotted, but missed.  Now, they were going to discharge her this weekend, but besides her having pain, I have the flu, and they wanted to know if I had had a Covid test in the past few days, and had I gone to the doctor to see about the flu.  The answer is no and no, and I had to think about the risk to my mom who is still not out of the woods with her kidney infections and all that if she comes home, gets exposed to the flu.  The alternative is a rehab facility, nursing home and I knew that was risky due to covid.  Then again if she came home got sick from the flu and everything flared up again, we’d be back in the hospital within a week.  I had to decide bring her home where we are in close quarters and since my sinus is a mess I can’t really wear a mask indoors all day, risk her getting the flu and no assistance as the health home aide likely won’t come with me sick or risk Covid and have her temporarily go to a nursing home.  Either way, there is a twinge of guilt.  If she comes home and gets sick, is back in hospital within days with an even worse infection or something then I would feel horrible.  They can’t send her home to take that risk, and so I made a tough call to have her discharged temporarily to the nursing home.  I know she will be mad and though my cousin her healthcare proxy explained more than once that I can’t go as I am sick and only one visitor per day, so since he is her proxy, he is the one the doctors are talking to about her condition and then he relays it to me, best he goes.  I know I had to make the decision keeping in mind what is best for both of us, especially for her, but doesn’t mean it’s an easy choice to make.  As I said in a previous post, one can’t be selfish and has to make tough decisions for the good of another at times.  This is one of those times, and maybe she will be mad and will think I am terrible for making this choice, but I can’t help that.  I can only do what I think is best at this time. 

One reason people don’t want to grow up at times is that growing up means taking full responsibility for your life, finances etc.. and even for other people and that can be a scary thing to ponder.   Life can’t stay in wonderland forever and neither can we.  I had a decision to make and I made the one I felt was best for all, and I hope that mom understands that, even if not initally.