I have this pain, this sense of something stuck in my chest, right below the breast cage, and the pain etc.. got so bad that yesterday at 2 am I had to go to the ER.  I have been really doing my utmost to keep it all together for mom’s funeral and sorting out a bunch of stuff.  I have not really grieved, cried, yelled, expressed to God my upset over how she suffered at the end, how after a life that was mainly unhappy she was stricken with cancer, which is what doctors believe she had, and died alone in a nursing home, no visits due to Covid and in the end contracted Covid.  Once I am done being stoic and taking care of some medical procedures I need I will break down.  I will cry, yell, scream be upset at God for how she suffered so much last the end, and mourn the fact that for the most part her life was not happy, was not joyous.  That will be okay, even as I am grateful for the gifts of faith, resilience and courage she gave me in life.  What would not be okay would be for me to stay there, to stay in that place.  That would dishonor her, not honor her.  As my mom she would want me to move forward, doesn’t mean I forget her, but it does mean I make peace with the fact she is now in the heavens, and now will never suffer again.  It won’t happen overnight, but will will happen, has to happen for the sake of her soul to be at peace and me to be relatively healthy, though with fibromyalgia always something to deal with.  Still, I can’t stay in a place of pain, mourning etc…forever, she wouldn’t want that.  Neither would my dad also in the heavens.  I look at photos and try to remember her as she was before all this, my dad before his passing, and it gives me comfort.  That is what they would want.

 

Amen